Teleporters

A few nights ago, I found myself, inexplicably, pondering about the teleporters. It was well past my bedtime, and I knew that because I'd been lying in bed, strangely excited, trying to figure out how the world would look like if teleporters were around, not even pretending to be interested in sleeping. I am acutely aware that this is how the journey to the loony bin cuckoo land starts, but ultimately this is where I am heading anyway, with my brain fried already by watching way too many rabbits on Instagram.

I realise that teleporters exist only in games and sci-fi reality, and there is no practical physics to back them up. Moreover, their existence may lead to funny paradoxes like moving faster than light, which will inevitably lead to a highly debated PhD dissertation titled "Quantum teleportative field dissonance analysis".

However, let's for a moment assume the technology has been figured out, and you can order some wormhole modules on eBay, and they will do all the teleportation magic.

How should a teleporter work?

My initial design was an ultra-thin wall with one active side. Whatever flows through it, air, your cat, or monkey faeces, comes out on the other side.

The teleporting needs to work in both directions at once; otherwise, your blood would stop circulating back if you put your hand through it. The light can travel both ways, too, so you would see what is on the other side before coming in.

For obvious reasons, both teleporting parts need to be the same size.

If you add a second pair of teleporters to the mix, you can kick yourself in the ass. Although, with a bit of mental effort, you can imagine more obscene applications.

After a second thought, I figured you could do it with single pair.

I assume the teleporter has an on-and-off switch. If you call technical support, the first thing you hear will be: "So, have you tried turning it off and on again?".

A sudden power outage or some squirrel stepping accidentally on the on/off switch may cause interesting problems if the electricity gets cut off mid-transition.

That's why I considered another design which I proudly and aptly named "The Box".

The Box works only when the button is pressed and instantly switches the content of teleporter boxes. Initially, I thought it could work one way, but what to do with all the atoms in the other Box?

The Box is not that flexible, and you can't kick yourself, which is a bummer, but in theory, it shouldn't kill you when malfunctioning. Therefore, you can use it to transport cute bunnies, heart transplants or your mother.

It's a bit impractical to have a pair of teleporters for each possible place we would like to go because it would quickly turn our back gardens into a junkyard.

To prevent that, I imagine that each teleport would have some number assigned. Then, you could connect it with another teleporter on-demand, given the other teleporter is the same model and size and is not occupied with teleporting something else. So it would essentially work like a telephone, you dial a number, and if it is not busy, you're connected.

I have a teleporter; now what?

There is not much need for a car, train, plane, or ship if you can move stuff from one place to another in a split second. You can use a teleporter as a mailbox, and Amazon prime will deliver in seconds. You can go on an exotic holiday, which would otherwise require arduous travel; visit the Antarctic, Amazon Forest and Galapagos Islands in one afternoon.

With teleporters everywhere, there is less pollution, and people get to play Candy Crush on a comfortable sofa, not on a filthy bus. There is no need for most highways; they can be torn down and make space for something green and pleasant looking. Finally, hedgehogs can safely cross the roads.

Of course, some Luddites might not be so ecstatic, the truck drivers or pilots might complain, petrol prices may fall and make oil overlords grumpy, Elon Musk may get out of the car business etc. But, ultimately, we would all move on, and as with cars replacing horses and the internet replacing real-life and friends, we get used to it. Then, we would complain about it and reminisce about good old times when we were sitting in the traffic jams in our fancy metal death traps on wheels.

Some more ambitious types may want to teleport to International Space Station. And once we get a rocket with a teleporter on the moon, Mars and other distant galactic corners, we don't need another space mission to the same place. Suddenly, a new era of space exploration would blossom.

That is true, of course, under the condition that the teleporters won't break easily. I wouldn't be too pleased if the TelePorto-200 would suddenly show the blue screen when I am in the Arctic circle or while strolling happily on one of the Saturn moons. Also, it would be nice if they didn't consume too much power, like half of the energy of the Sun. But that's just implementation details.

What can possibly go wrong?

I have a dreadful hunch that the teleporter may revolutionise human, drug, gun and other horrific kinds of trafficking. No borders or walls can stop wrongdoers if they have access to the teleporters of doom. The art of stealing may reach a new high; in theory, you can even steal water from rivers and do other unimaginable things. But that's true with all the inventions, the Internet and AI included.

Interesting or WTF?

Perpetuum mobile

You can drop a bucket of water or a pebble into the lower teleporter, and it will move forever, producing some electricity. Some physics books may need rewriting unless the pair of teleporters consume more energy than the water generates.

This configuration can also be used for extreme base jumping, obviously without the gruesome cog in the middle. Just hop in with your parachute to the lower teleporter, and you're in the air.

Wet Sahara

Angry sharks are protesting.

Cloudy end

After all that prolific thinking, I've put a note on my phone saying: "write about teleporters and their usage" and have finally fallen asleep. So here you go; I hope you're well informed.